George Carlin

I'm not a leader. I'm just a guy who has a lot of followers.

I'm not a teacher. I'm just a guy who likes to share what he knows.

I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do.

I'm not a guru. I'm just a guy who likes to give advice.

I'm not a shrink. I'm just a guy who likes to listen.

I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy who likes to heal.

I'm not a lawyer. I'm just a guy who likes to argue.

I was thinking about the immortal words of Archimedes, 'Give me a lever and a place to stand, and I will move the world.' So, I built a lever, but I couldn't find a place to stand. I decided to move to a smaller world.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

People who are in favor of the death penalty, I don't know why they're so upset about people getting out of jail. It's like, let's kill 'em all! Get 'em out of here! Then we'll have more room for the innocent people to go to jail.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by tying biscuits all over your body.

I like it when a guy is so stupid he doesn't know he's being made fun of. That's funnier than anything.

The very first thing I noticed when I was a little kid was that the grown-ups were full of shit. And they're still full of shit. And they still think they're not.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

I'm a little freaked out by the number of people who don't seem to notice the difference between 'you're' and 'your.' It's like, there's a huge difference, people!

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Most people are not religious, they just want something that makes them feel good.

I'm not an athiest, I'm just an agnostic. I don't know. I don't know if there's a God. I don't know if there isn't. I'm just waiting for more information.