George Carlin

Here's a thought for you: What if all the people who believe in heaven and hell are both wrong? What if there's just... nothing? Imagine the look on their faces!

The only good thing about the good old days is that they're gone.

If you're born in this country, you're born into a system that's designed to keep you down. And they don't even hide it anymore. They're proud of it!

Feminists say that men are a bunch of pigs. Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that pigs are pretty smart animals. So, maybe that's a compliment?

I'm a modern man. I've got a cell phone, a laptop, and I'm still trying to figure out how to work the damn remote control.

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

I love people. I just can't stand their company.

The older I get, the more I realize that the only thing that matters is how you treat people. And most people treat people like shit.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm a conspiracy analyst. Everything I say is based on facts.

The government is lying to you. They always have been. They always will be. And you're still falling for it.

Political correctness cripples discourse, creates ugly language and is generally stupid.

On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers, or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists.

Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. It simply doesn't give a fuck about you. It's interested in its own power. That's the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.