George Carlin

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion...

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it...if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

All you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take 'Thou Shalt Not Kill.' The more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable...it's negotiable.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The owners of this country know the truth: it's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you!

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around and say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent people, and they get into office and screw everything up, well you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on Election Day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.