George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'

I have a lot of problems with 'the system.' But you know what I do when I encounter a system I can't handle? I don't try to change it. I don't complain about it. I just find a way to get around it.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The status quo sucks.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I don't have any solutions, but I certainly admire the problem.

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You go to college, you do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm.