"I'm a collector of words. I'm a word nerd. I love words. I love how they sound, how they look, how they feel, how they taste. I love how they make me think, how they make me feel, how they make me lau…"

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"I was thinking about the immortal words of Archimedes, 'Give me a lever and a place to stand, and I will move the world.' So, I built a lever, but I couldn't find a place to stand. I decided to move t…"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"The owners of this country know the truth: it's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."