"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world—or at least the way you see it."

"I think the greatest gift you can give someone is laughter."

"Carpe Diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."

"The Jews have an expression: 'You want to have a short life? Marry a shiksa.'"

"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."