"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion."

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world—or at least the way you see it."

"I get no respect. I went to a costume party dressed as a ship's captain and someone asked if I was the love child of Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers."

"If you are ever in trouble, don't scream, don't cry, just hit them in the head with a frying pan."