"What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk."

"I'm not a guru. I'm just a guy who likes to give advice."

"That's why I like earthquakes. They're big. They're powerful. They're unpredictable. They don't give a shit about you. They don't give a shit about your house. They don't give a shit about your car. T…"

"I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around and say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right …"

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."