"I'm not a serial killer. I just enjoy watching people suffer."

"I'm not a fan of modern movies. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be clever, but they're just making a lot of explosions."

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a conspiracy realist. I believe that there are people who are conspiring to do things, and I believe that those things are usually bad."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."