"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"I have a lot of anger. I have a lot of rage. I have a lot of resentment. And I use it. I use it in my comedy. I use it in my writing. I use it in my life."

"I'm a little freaked out by the number of people who don't seem to notice the difference between 'you're' and 'your.' It's like, there's a huge difference, people!"

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."