"I'm not a fan of modern movies. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be clever, but they're just making a lot of explosions."

"Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it...if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God t…"

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"I love it when people say, 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.' That's like saying, 'I'm not a vegetarian, but I don't eat meat.'"

"I'm not saying I'm better than you. I'm just saying I'm better than you at being me."