"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"I love it when people say, 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.' That's like saying, 'I'm not a vegetarian, but I don't eat meat.'"

"I'm not a fan of organized religion. I think it's a bunch of people who are afraid of the dark, and they're all holding hands and telling each other stories to make themselves feel better."

"When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat."

"The only good thing about the good old days is that they're gone."