"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a conspiracy realist. I believe that there are people who are conspiring to do things, and I believe that those things are usually bad."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"I'm not a fan of anything that requires me to get out of bed before noon."