"I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I just happen to believe that reality is a dark, depressing, and ultimately meaningless place."

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm a conspiracy analyst. Everything I say is based on facts."

"I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy who likes to heal."

"The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"