"I am not an American. I am a Missourian."

"The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that aren't so."

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

"The human race is a joke. We are the only beings on this planet that have developed a sense of humor, and yet we are the only ones who take ourselves seriously."

"Patriotism is loyalty to the nation all the time, loyalty to the government when it deserves it."