"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"If you are ever in trouble, don't scream, don't cry, just hit them in the head with a frying pan."

"Being a celebrity is like being a hooker. You get paid to make people happy."

"If you're not going to be a good example, then you'll just have to be a terrible warning."

"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."