"I'm a comedian. My job is to make people laugh. And if I can make 'em think, too, that's a bonus."

"I had a dog named ‘Stay.’ I’d say, ‘Come here, Stay!’ He’d just sit there."

"I lost my virginity in the back of a car. It wasn't romantic. It was just... fast."

"I'm not a terrorist. I just want to blow things up."

"I freebased so much one time I thought the police were after me. It was the TV repairman."