"Why did Donald J. Trump cross the road? To see Haitians eating pets on the other side."

"Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on."

"It's okay to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave."

"There are no bad ideas. Only bad executions."

"My newest horror story: Once upon a time there was a man named Donald Trump, and he ran for president. Some people wanted him to win."