"Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally do. Unless I'm writing a book."

"I don't mean to put down anybody's taste but they were all lovey-dovey, you know, and he got all sparkly. So that kind of spoiled that."

"I think that a writer's job is to tell the truth, even if it's a lie."

"I never had a bad time in the library. I never had a bad time in a bookstore."

"Why did Donald J. Trump cross the road? To see Haitians eating pets on the other side."