"My doctor told me I had to stop smoking. I said, 'Why? Am I gonna die?' He said, 'No, you're just gonna smell bad.'"

"There's Nothing Worse Than Being An Aging Young Person."

"I’m for anything that gets you through the night—be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniels."

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"When you're running down the street on fire, people get out of your way!"