"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job …"

"When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."