"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I'm not a fan of modern movies. I think it's a bunch of people who are trying to be clever, but they're just making a lot of explosions."

"I’m a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect."

"I'm not a paranoid, but I feel like I'm being watched. And I'm not a narcissist, but I feel like I'm being judged. And I'm not a hypochondriac, but I feel like I'm dying."

"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a conspiracy realist. I believe that there are people who are conspiring to do things, and I believe that those things are usually bad."