"I'm a big fan of being kind to others. I think it's the most important thing."

"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense, neither is this girl. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

"You could talk about oral sex in this town and people would nod wisely and say, ‘Well, that’s an alternative lifestyle.’ But talk about nuclear power and they’d burn your house down."

"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."