"I have the heart of a small boy—and I keep it in a jar on my desk."

"I don't believe in writer's block. I think it's a made-up malady. I think it's a way for people to feel bad about themselves."

"Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty."

"It's more blessed to give than receive, Conan."

"Optimism is a perfectly legitimate response to a problem."