"I was a very shy kid. I was always in my own head. I was always making up characters and doing voices."

"Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer — you can do it, just not as well as the others, really."

"I don't do drugs anymore. I'm afraid I'd like them too much."

"I'm a big fan of embracing your inner child. I think it's important."

"I don't do jokes about Michael Jackson anymore. I'm afraid he might come after me in his pajamas."