"When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person."

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job …"

"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."