"I think I've done a pretty good job for a boy from Missouri."

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

"I'm a fairly good judge of character, and I've met a lot of characters."

"Tact is the ability to step on a man's toes without messing up the shine on his shoes."

"I had flat eyeballs as a boy, and couldn't see well enough to play ball with the other kids. So they made me the umpire."