"I got in a fight with my wife. She said, 'You're not a man!' I said, 'I'm a man! I got a penis!' She said, 'Yeah, but it's not working!'"

"Jail ain't so bad. You can make it in jail. It's like being in the Army, but the people in jail shot back."

"My father used to beat me with a hose. And he'd say, 'This is for your own good!' I said, 'No, it's not! It's for your pleasure!'"

"When you're running down the street on fire, people get out of your way!"

"Being Bitter Makes You Immobile, And There's Too Much That I Still Want To Do."