"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job …"

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfar…"