"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."

"I was born with a reading habit, and it's a good thing, because it's the only habit I've ever had that hasn't cost me money."

"The only two things that are infinite are the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

"The human race has been a long time without a complete and intelligent explanation of itself. It has been content to accept the explanations of its untrained and ignorant imagination. This has resulte…"

"I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a hell of a time in heaven."