"I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm a conspiracy analyst. Everything I say is based on facts."

"The government is not your friend. The government is not your enemy. The government is your government."

"Here's a little poem by my friend, Jack Handy: 'I hope that after I die, people will say, 'He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a man who loved his family.' And then, after a brief pause, 'But…"

"When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion..."

"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"