"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there."

"Pessimism, when you get used to it, is as agreeable as optimism."

"I have made an important discovery... that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication."

"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything."

"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties."