"I like a good story, but I like a true story better."

"The only difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector is that the taxidermist leaves the hide."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

"I was educated once – it took me years to get over it."

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."