Stephen Hawking

I wouldn't compare it to sex, but it lasts longer.

The only advantage of my disability is that I do not get put on a lot of boring committees.

I deal in tough mathematical questions every day, but please don't ask me to help with Brexit.

Finally, a question about something important. My advice to any heartbroken young girl is to pay close attention to the study of theoretical physics. It would not be beyond the realms of possibility that somewhere outside of our own universe lies another different universe. And in that universe, Zayn is still in One Direction.

Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.

I want my books sold on airport bookstalls.

I don't think anyone would take me f---ing seriously if I sounded like that.

You're an idiot.

Both of us.

Replace you. You are not funny.

You have no talent. You are like a Chinese food delivery guy without Chinese food.

Slapstick is always funny. Oh yeah? How about now?

What makes human beings unique? Some say it's language or tools. Others say it's logical reasoning. They obviously haven't met many humans.

I had a heart attack earlier this year... the ambulance took me to PC world for repairs.

People think I'm really smart. But when people ask me a question I type in the answer on my little computer screen. How do you know I am not just googling that shit before I answer?

Some people say I have a chip on my shoulder but it is actually my chin.

I felt ill the other day, but all they had to do was to turn me off, and then back on again.

So my friend tried to call me the other week... but all he was getting was an automated answer.

I tell my kids: Don't spend all your time at the computer. But then I realize, I do that myself all day.

The human race is just a chemical scum on a moderate-sized planet, orbiting around a very average star in the outer suburb of one among a hundred billion galaxies.